i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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