Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
