my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
