12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
