Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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