Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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