Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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