No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I want to fling myself into the sun
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
