The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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