I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
