Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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