you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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