my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
