Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
