I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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