His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
birth control should be required to get into college
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
