I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Randomize
