I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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