I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
no you cant smoke seaweed
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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