My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
