You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
