i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
