im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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