He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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