You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
