I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
