My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
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