And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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