The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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