at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
