You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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