I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
