last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
