Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
