drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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