Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
