Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
