yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Can't talk, ducks in the car
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
