Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
