I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
