she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
