His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
