well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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