this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
