just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
