My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
