Your mouth is God's brothel.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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