I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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