We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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