I am in a vortex of obligation.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
